I’ve been searching and searching, and yet I still can’t find MY Fitty! He is definitely in there somewhere, it’s in his eyes, every now and then a calm descends and there he is trapped behind that manic glare. Please oh please God, let him out!!

Seriously, I can’t take it any more. We are all exhausted just from watching him speed around!

I know I shouldn’t complain, after all, didn’t I just want him to stop being so cranky? Wasn’t that all I asked for? It’s been weeks since he’s been cranky, but this other whizzie fast guy is making my head spin. I can’t take another day of this madness.

My Fitty used to wake up slowly in the morning, and lovingly greet me with smiles and kisses. This other dude is long out of bed by the time I wake up, he’s already banged and crashed his way through the kitchen, raked the leaves off the driveway, checked and re-checked the weather report against his own weather predictions, ( he is ALWAYS RIGHT!!), and is standing at attention waiting for the rest of his family to awaken and take their orders for the day! There we all are rubbing the sleep from our eyes, yawning and stretching as we receive instructions from Fitty on “How To Live Our Lives”.

Fitty has always been a bit this way. I can remember numerous occasions where I’ve been so amused by his antics I could scream! For instance there was the time he bought a new straw broom. He was very proud of the broom, (as men are when they have been domesticated enough to notice that the old one is basically just a grass stem on a stick). He came downstairs one morning to find me sweeping the concreted area under our house. He watched me for a total of a second before telling me how I should do it “properly”. Of course I instantly fell in a grateful heap (yeah right!), and didn’t threaten to re-home the broom anywhere uncomfortable or anything like that! Not me, I simply stated that I was so glad I finally had someone in my life who could teach me how to sweep. Oh  Joy! Finally, after 37 years of life, raising my young family, cooking and cleaning, working and paying bills, someone could show me how to do it all “properly”.

Fitty recognized my tone and instantly ran for the hills! He knows how to interpret my sarcasm! “Has he learned anything over the years” you ask? Not really, so far he has taught me a wealth of useless information that I will never need, like:

1:  How to tell which direction the wind is blowing. Apparently this knowledge could save my life, as far as I can see it just isn’t that important. (If it’s blowing one way, it’s a hot day generally, and if it’s blowing the other way, it can be a bit windy and cold.) I always get it wrong anyway. “The wind does not ever blow in a south- easterly- north direction!” I am told sternly by Fitty.

2: How to find and identify constellations in the night sky (plus a lot of other crap about space). If I wanted to do that I would be a NASA Astronaut Fitty! Not a mother and hospitality worker!! The number of times I have mentioned how pretty the night sky is, and how bright the stars seem tonight, only to be lectured for an hour and a half about astronomy! Where is the romance Fitty? Can’t you just say “Mmm, isn’t it lovely outside tonight?”

3: Don’t even get me started about computers!! I only have to ask one tiny little question. One little thing that I need to know to help me finish a particular project. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have to, believe me. Because every single time I do, I regret it! My head is absolutely brimming with so much technical information that I cannot move for fear of hitting the wrong key!  “You cannot fit 50 megabytes on a 10 gig ram”.  WHAT in the world are you talking about Fitty??

I could go on, but you would get very worried and call the authorities. Oh the cruelty! To be forced to learn things one just doesn’t want to know!

He is still wonderful. I still love him with all my heart, (and then some), he is still the best father I’ve ever known, and makes other husbands look like Boxing Day Specials in torn packaging! However I just wonder where he’s gone? Also if it isn’t too much trouble, can he come back now please?