Well, I’ve been a little busy lately. I’ve been crying and bitching and scolding and despairing and basically being a big pain in the you know where. Fitty and the kids are copping a fair bit of fall-out from my poor health at the moment.

Having found out in Sydney that the month of April (and beyond), will probably be more painful than I can handle, I have gone into shock/horror mode and am turning into a ranting bitch psycho the likes of which my family have never seen. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m crying. I can be led into rants that last for an hour simply because I find a bobby pin on the floor! If anyone challenges me they can look forward to a good old fashioned ear bashing. “No one understands me”, “nobody really cares whether I have to crawl around on the floor picking up their crap!” “Can’t somebody just once, listen to what I say?” etc. I just go on and on…….

Why? Because I said so, that’s why!

But really I expect it’s because I am running from a truth that I can’t accept. I’m stuck with a chronically painful problem. I need surgery that makes me wish I could just go through a really difficult breach, posterior labor for 36 hours or so, because that at least has an END, with a lovely baby attached. That’s just how I feel. This kind of pain should lead to a baby, call it conditioning…..  really excruciating pain = labor = baby! At some point there has to be a significant end point.

I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope with the pain, if how I’m coping with the fear is any indication?

To be fair, I have also halved and sometimes quartered my daily pain relief for fear that when I really need them in April, they won’t be as effective. (I will already have built up an intolerance to them therefore requiring me to take more and more when the pain load increases.) Obviously withdrawing from any narcotic drug is going to make me feel a little confused, airy, emotional, angry, sweaty, outraged, desperate etc. These are just a handful of the things I am feeling at this time. Then I have to counter that with the pain. Over the course of the last 5 days I have been cutting down I have had increased pain, each day getting more sharp and nasty.

All this stuff is new to me, I’m no expert on pain control/relief and have been told (by a doctor), that cutting down my pain relief “would be a good idea at this point”.  Scarey stuff when I have to take into account that I am withdrawing from opiates, whilst trying to wrap my head around next month’s approach to cutting me open to help me “get better” all while my pain increases to unbearable levels! To put it bluntly I’m a bit of a mess right now. But an honest one.

We have a big family Wedding this weekend, I want to be well and happy for that day if  for no other. I know I will pull myself together, and despite having so many people around to help organize and get ready, this busy, happy time will actually help me to feel more positive. I long to watch this beautiful girl wed this wonderful boy!! We have all been waiting for this day for a very long time.

I know I will have to take deep breaths and not let things get to me. I have to remember not to let the stress get on top of me, and the key will be organization, FITTY!! BOYS!! I hope you are reading this. I need all the help I can get right now!! Don’t be coming to me with buttons off shirts 5 minutes before we get in the car, oh and by the way, 7 and I will be at the hairdressers getting all de-stressed and dolled up by 10am, so you will be on your own….good luck.

Fitty has and always will be my biggest support, but at the moment I feel so removed from him. It’s funny as I have never had a moment in our entire friendship or romantic life together that I haven’t felt him rock solid beside me. I guess my illness is shaking him up a bit and he says he feels like he can’t make a “right” move. It’s true too. I am attacking him for silly things that I would normally blink at. I’m super sensitive to everyday struggles and issues. Every mistake anyone makes is like a personal insult and I cannot help thinking, why would you do that, now when I really need you not to stress me? It just goes with the territory of intense pain and anxiety control. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for sympathy, I have that in bucketloads from my wonderful friends and family. I guess I just wanted to take the time to explain how it is for some people. Sometimes life throws you these little curve balls, I’m hoping that when this one is finished breaking me down, it will end up making me stand taller and be more capable.

To Fitty and my close family if you’re reading, I’d like to say this: I’m sorry if I have hurt, confused, or angered you lately, caused you frustration or concern. I’m terribly conscious at the moment of all the little things that could go wrong and I’m obsessing on them instead of focusing on my pain. If you feel like saying something to me, please do so?

The truth is I am not perfect! I’m just doing the best I can……I love you all.