Sometimes I just want to take a break from life, you know what I mean? Just go to sleep for a few days or weeks and wake up refreshed and full of new ideas and energy.

NOT going to happen.

I’d just gotten through a fairly rough week, (sobbing in the night from pain), dragging myself off to work on days when I probably would have been better off in bed, when things just got a whole lot worse. My brother has had a heart attack and been flown to Canberra hospital 3 hours away!! I’m right now trying to decide what to do. If I was a “normal” person, it wouldn’t be a hard one. Off I’d go. But trying to balance whether traveling right now, and being away from major comforts, (like my bath, and Fitty) is going to benefit anyone, least of all myself. It just isn’t easy.

Last week I made the decision to stop “toughing it out” and to take the painkillers when I need them. A huge decision for me. Up until now I have been putting up with a fair bit, I don’t know who I was trying to be a hero for, as all I was doing was suffering really. Part of the reason was so that I wouldn’t become “dependent”, but I realized that I was only hurting myself. Nobody was really benefiting from my being in pain, and no Hero Badges were being handed out. Yet still I struggle with the idea of taking narcotic pain relief.

It strikes me funny that my Doctor quotes the line, “pain not responsive to non narcotic relief”. It’s like “pain” is a live animal. Some kind of monster that can’t be coaxed into submission by just poking a “normal” pain relieving stick into its cage. We have to use the strong sticks to move this little monster.

I know I make jokes, but after 5 months, I find the situation requires either humour or gunshots.

Not every day is super bad. Some are ok. Trying to work out how I would cope if I go to Canberra Hospital to take my turn sitting by my brother’s bedside is harmful to my brain right now. I’m really stuck.

I want to go. I keep thinking of the “what if’s” and realising that I’m 3 hours away already!!

What if he doesn’t make it? What if they do a by-pass operation? What if Mum needs me? What if I don’t go and he dies? I’m going insane, but this post is helping me to get it all out and ultimately I will make a decision. Just please God let it be the right one?

My brother is a Quadriplegic. He has been in his chair for 23 years now. The risks of him undergoing surgery are obvious. Especially as this heart attack was brought on by recent (2 days ago) surgery on his big toe.

He’s so wasted. Like a skeleton with skin. He’s got spirit though, by the bucket loads. He will do whatever it takes to make sure he fights strong. I just worry that he doesn’t have the strength to win anymore.

I need to ring 4. If I go I will need to stay with her. She will kiss away the ouchies when I get home at night. She will “make tea”. A ceremony for us that will repair all hurts and return strength to limbs and brains!!

I think I have made my decision. I think I must go. I can’t sit here worrying about not going can I? The answer is to go and not worry about not going? Yes? It makes sense to me. At least we can be together as a family when Pat goes into surgery. We can form a human chain of support for Pat and for each other.

Yes. That’s good. And if it hurts too much, I can always come home, can’t I?

Thanks for your help, good people of Blog Land.

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