Last year was a bitch. A serious bitch, complete with hospital stays, surgery, extreme pain and medication, and increasingly desperate emotions.

This year I am well. So is it odd that this is the year I simply gave up? I don’t think so.

I am 46 years old. At my age you have to expect things to get a little crazy? And so they did…

I began to feel tired all the time, and anxious. I really couldn’t count the ways I wasn’t coping. Between, work, the kids, and the house it seemed like I was on a tightrope, forever trying not to fall into a funk. By funk I mean long days of sitting around, not bothering to get dressed, not wanting to go out of the house.

I spent hours sitting at the computer, but not really doing anything. I made excuses for myself constantly. I had no energy at all. NONE. I would shower and get ready for work, perform my job, and return home listless.

I seemed to be able to pull out the energy when I needed it, and would perform my job with the usual effort and fun, but as soon as I finished and returned home a kind of depression would settle over me. I had to go back tomorrow…

I didn’t really understand. Sure I’d had a tough time with my health, and my body was getting used to not relying on all the pain killers. But I should have felt GREAT. It was OVER. I had my health and my body back?

Enter Peri menopause. Increasing feelings of depression and moments of purely freaking out at the idea of having to go anywhere. I couldn’t get excited about anything. I was frustrated and angry with Fitty most of the time, and we squabbled over ridiculous things.  I wouldn’t do the grocery shopping until we were out of almost everything. Fitty would come home from work most days with enough to see us through, bless him, but this just added to my feelings of frustration and uselessness.

I had already begun to think about not working for a while, just to see if it made a difference? But I felt bad about it. I didn’t feel like I deserved not to work. So I just kept plugging on, not getting any relief, bringing home my wage and doing little else. It sounds stupid really, but I was suffering badly. I began to cry a lot. Mostly before work.

Skype sessions with my sister on the other side of the country became long talks about depression and anxiety at work. She is suffering exactly the same feelings, at exactly the same time as me! What a support she has been!

Things came to a head one week shortly after I had returned to work from my holiday. I was in bed one night just feeling so hopeless. Sleep wouldn’t come. It was the fifth night I had lain there worrying and stressing. I was so tired. I was frustrated. I felt like nothing was ever going to change.

AND THAT was the moment when I knew I had to take charge of my life and make things happen. I knew what it was that I wanted. I just wanted to get out of a very stressful, very physically demanding job! I was exhausted. After all the struggles of the past year, and all the physical demands of the surgery and recovery periods, my body just wasn’t coping with the increasing demands I made upon it at work. It really was that simple once I began to really think about it.

I was nervous when I approached Fitty about it. I felt guilty before I even began. I had to admit to him just how low I had sunk, and I didn’t want to scare him.

I am so lucky to have this man.

He said he’d noticed that I just wasn’t happy anymore. He also noticed that I only seemed really happy when I was on days off from work? He’d heard on the radio that the beginning of Menopause was an extremely rough time for women. That it was often accompanied by ANXIETY. A sudden onslaught of unidentifiable and extreme anxiety. He thought it sounded a lot like me lately…

I did scare him a little, I can never be anything but honest with him, so he heard it all! The look on his face showed such a level of care and support, he was so worried about me, but didn’t know how to approach me. He’s a typical male, and I’m a typical female in that I “overshare” so much! He has no idea when to take me seriously and when I’m just letting off steam. This time he really listened to me, and he became part of the solution with me.

So I gave up! I simply put in my resignation and stopped working! I told my boss honestly what I was feeling, and he too listened. He initially offered me a less physically demanding position, which was lovely of him. I considered the possibility, but in the end Fitty and I both decided that what I needed was a complete rest from going outside the house to work.

We were both surpised how quickly things changed. It was immediate. All of a sudden I was happy again! My energy levels are slowly increasing, but in typical fashion just as I began to list all the areas of our home that I was going to re-organize so they function better, the whole family was hit by one of the worst flu viruses of the season. I was the last to get it, and am slowly recovering.

So as I sit here writing this post, (with a box of tissues beside my computer), I can honestly say that I am happy.

This was a hard post to write, but I am committed to being honest on this blog. Nobody likes to admit to their deepest feelings of misery or failure, but in the end I actually feel like a success! Why?

steve and I

Because I have a man who truly supports me in everything I do.

 

 

 

 

 

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