06.45  Wake up already thinking. Busting for a pee. Go back to sleep.

06.55  Get up and pee! Go back to bed. Roll onto side, all the while jigging left foot up and down, because bloody restless leg syndrome.

07.05  Wake with one eye, reacting to Fitty’s Ninja tip-toeing around the bedroom trying to get dressed without waking me up. (I’ve never heard anyone be so loud without making any noise.) I can sleep through anything except Fitty trying to be quiet? ?

07.30  Wake up again to the smell of freshly brewed coffee mixed with aftershave. Yep, he’s in the room again!

07.45  Get out of bed because left foot is now making crop circles in the bedding.

08.00  Check out what Fitty has made the kids for lunch. Criticise/feel jealous depending… Scope kids behavior. Still asleep at breakfast? Check. Depending on mood, (mine), either talk to children or head onto deck for coffee and cigarette. (I know. Don’t judge me?) Return to breakfast table. Ensure 7’s hair has been “looked at” at least! Say goodbye to 7 and 8 who leave on first bus run. Wish them a good day.

08.15  Fitty returns from bus run and we both concentrate on getting 6 out of his “fug” and off to school. (I do this by sitting on the deck with second cup of coffee and cigarette.) Fitty shouts down the stairs.

09.00  Everybody is GONE. Log onto Facebook, Twitter, WordPress etc. Message sister in W.A. to find out how her day is going?

9.10  Skype sister in W.A. as this is Always A Good Idea for both of us. Depending on whether she feels like doing her housework or not that day, this can last from 10mins to nearly an hour!

10.30  Hold hand in front of face. If not shaking, have another cup of coffee. Decide whether Facebook and Twitter are legit reasons to stay in front of computer for another hour.

11.30  Race heaving dog to the door yelling, “wait…..wait, hold it in…. NOT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!”

11.31 Clean up dog vomit from doorway.

12.00  Check blog stats one more time. Feel crushing desire to be an “actual writer”. Log out of computer for the last time!

12.01  Head into laundry, pull yesterday’s wash out of machine and sniff it. Get the day before yesterday’s wash off clothesline and hang next basket. Put another load on to be forgotten until tomorrow….

12.40  Open fridge door, and pantry and walk back and forth trying to decide what to have for first meal of day. (Or does a bucket load of coffee count as “Breakfast”?) Settle on toast, as I do most days. Poke around in freezer for something to cook for dinner. Google recipes because now that I am a stay at home housewife I need that shit to at least look interesting!

01.30  Shower, open drawers and decide that getting back into dressing gown will be fine, until I have to go to bus stop. Get depressed. Feel like “another wasted morning” failure.

01.45  Ovulate.

02.00  Crank up the music and pretend to get motivated. Hear phone beep with notification and realise this is a perfect excuse for another cigarette and social media fix.

03.00  The day is almost over. Set alarm to remind me to pick up kids from bus stop at 4. Race around house making beds, do a quick vacuum if I can’t just pick up the larger bits and make it look done. Wash breakfast dishes.

04.00  Press “snooze” on bus alarm while I gather my book, reading glasses and water for car trip. Pull on some clothes from yesterday.

04.10  Meet kids about half a kilometre from bus stop. Drive to turn off to meet 6’s bus in another 10-15mins. Try and converse with 7 and 8 about their day. Get nowhere. Open book.

04.30  Get back home from bus stop. Get absorbed in cooking dinner to the point that nothing else matters. (Do not check phone or computer for at least 20mins!) Tell kids to “do homework”. Try and police internet usage. Give up. Argue with children about how many cookies they can have. Clean up MILO from bench. RANT!

05.30  Dinner almost ready. HA HA! Chicken bought on special has funny smell, decide to go with another option. Wait another 20mins to nuke-defrost second dinner! Fitty arrives home from office. Grumpy. Kiss him. Make him laugh. Better!

06.00  Get involved in TV show kids are watching between stirring dinner, chatting to Fitty, and playing with dog. Police biscuit tin and keep dog out of kitchen. Remind children to behave immaturely as this will give me more reason to justify my “stay at home mother” status.

07.00  Dinner is finally over. Kids are in the kitchen making the washing up feel like hilarious party. Dishes are all put away in the wrong places. GREAT.

07.30  Kids are allowed on internet. Lose my computer to 8. (NOT my computer, I am told.) Poke tongue out.

08.00  Fitty and I converse about our day. I have nothing to add to conversation, so talk about politics, and new Twitter followers….

09.30  Kids go to bed. Fitty and I sit together on our computers. Sharing “funnies” with each other until my eyelids droop. Fitty pretends not to notice another day where I haven’t done anything much.

man spanking woman