Click on this and read.

Click on this and read.

Facebook! A source of endless entertainment, drama, interesting information, and inspiration. Today whilst scrolling through my feed I came across this little gem and had to laugh. Oh my! Reading this left me with only one option, a response from the “Modern Woman” of course!

GOOD WIFE 2014.

When retiring for bed in the evening, take as much time as you want. You may want to wash your day’s make up off, and in doing so leave bottles and lotions all over the bathroom surfaces. Be sure to warn your husband not to touch a frikkin thing in that bathroom! You may want to use his towel to dry off so yours is fresh and dry for your morning shower.

bathroom

If your husband looks like he may be entertaining any “ideas”, be sure to tell him to “fuck right off”, as you are in the middle of the chapter where your heroine is about to make it big-time with her love interest, and you aren’t even remotely interested in whatever lame excuse for romance he may have come up with ( an erection). This should result in him staying on the couch grumbling for a further half hour giving you plenty of time to finish said chapter and waft into a sleep full of dreams and romance. (But not the smelly kind, like with your husband.)

Should you feel the need to satisfy yourself (or your husband), remember that it is not his pleasure that is important. Remember your marriage vows, and then promptly forget them. You may well have promised to “love”, “honour” and “obey” him back in the 19th century, but that was then, when in the full bloom of love your thoughts were stupid…. Not to mention completely ridiculous now that he sits on the lounge watching the cricket, snoring, only waking to ask you if he’s got any beer left in the fridge?

It is important that you never initiate sex, he must know at all times that if you do concede to congress, that it was his idea in the first place, therefore any satisfaction required will be his own responsibility. If you do however feel the need to initiate sex from time to time due to raging hormones, make sure he knows that you are not in your right mind, and that this probably would never have happened if it weren’t for him screwing with your hormones.

Now that you have established fault and blame, you should be in the proper mood. Begin by making yourself as physically unappealing as you can. Wear many clothes to bed. You may want to cover your face in lotion, use the kid’s face paint etc. Get creative. You don’t want him to associate you with anything glamorous that will lead to further incidents that are not of your own devising.

Woman Applying Cucumbers to Facial Mask

Once the ritual has begun complain loudly about his breath, stubble, positioning or anything else that you can think of. You don’t want him to be overconfident, leading to a quick poke resulting only in his own satisfaction. Leaving you laying there like a half-opened bottle of Coke. (Fizzing away madly with nowhere to go.)

A sharp slap on the fleshy parts of his anatomy or a pinch of the skin on the underside of his arm should cause sufficient pain for him to forget his pleasure, and allow you to catch up. Should you attain the “Holy Grail”, in that you reach your moment of pleasure before he does? You must immediately withdraw from all sexual activity. You have won sex.

oprah trophy

He may be slightly cranky at you for this. Be aware that you can change his mood very quickly by asking such questions as –

“Do you think I should still be taking my birth-control?”

“Do you think your mother and father still do it?”

“Did you fart?”

And the emotionally manipulative –

“So you obviously don’t find me attractive enough anymore…….”

This will slide you into a bonus point win as he will feel as though he has somehow failed you.

Depending on what time you have to start your day, you may at this point set your alarm (for an hour earlier), thereby allowing you time to wake him with a sharp poke in the ribs, to get up and get your morning coffee ready! You may then settle in for an extra snooze until it appears at your bedside.

Extra Rules.

The bed, bedclothes, pillows and all things in the bedroom are YOURS. Should you require more space in the bed than he does, you must simply take it. You are cold during the night and must therefore roll yourself in the bedclothes ensuring you tuck the corner into your fist before falling asleep.

his side her side

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