Some people mind their own business at night. Just close their eyes, fall into dreamland, and keep to themselves. Others can’t actually sleep until they have wrecked whatever sleep you are having. Fitty falls into this latter category.

I swear this man is an absolute dream during the day. You actually can take him home to meet your mother, (and questionable as Magoo is as an authority figure), she is impressed with the way he takes care of me.

So he’s beautiful by day, but can be an absolute nightmare in the dark hours.

Allow me to ruin my relationship publicly illustrate?

For a start, I am one of those disturbed, disruptable sleepers, once awakened I can have a lot of trouble going back to sleep. I have a set routine which sees me visit the bathroom, the kitchen, back to the bathroom, and possibly one more time in the kitchen before I go to sleep. Because OCD.

This habit of mine is so hated by Fitty that he sighs and grunts audibly to make sure I get the message that he has had the fuck enough of me saying “Goodnight”, and then walking back and forth past him again for up to an hour. I don’t understand…. it’s not as if I’m walking between him and the TV!!

So most nights I retire saying something like, “Well goodnight to you too you grumpy little turd face….”


Upon entering the boudoir I then have to plug in my smart phone right next to the bed, (to ensure my brain receives enough “cancer waves” overnight), and then read read read until my eyes close and I can just reach out and turn off the lamp. If doing so wakes me up to much?

Repeat read read read…..

The problem is, that I never know how many reads it’s going to take. Sometimes a few pages and I’m dozing, others it’s a good few chapters and counting. Fitty will inevitably creep into the room just as I’m falling asleep, enabling the read read read cycle again BUT – NO!! He cannot allow the light to be on while he sleeps and so it’s either lay there and struggle with restless leg syndrome. (It’s a thing, I swear! Since childhood I have suffered..) OR get up until I am so sleepy I fall into bed in a coma around dawn.

go to sleep or

Fitty doesn’t help matters much by varying his bedtime routine so much that I can never ever gauge what time he might be coming to bed. One night it’s after 1.00am so I get all daring the next night, then in he comes to bed right behind me!

I know this sounds like whinging, but it IS!

I don’t care if you feel sorry for Fitty and I don’t care particularly if you’re on my side areyou? I mostly need to talk to someone about last night… Last night Fitty was a Sleep Creep.

I went to bed early. My Oh My God-Daughter, (T’s beautiful 3 year old Chloe), was having her First Sleepover other than Grandma’s with ME! It was an occasion and a half for me, and I wanted to be fully rested so I could be bright and chirpy and speshal to her in the early morning.

Sleep Creep thinks not… Sleep Creep (Fitty, for the slow to catch on), decides it is time he had a HUGE problem with the dog making chewing sounds from our bedroom doorway where she often sleeps. Usually he only has a mild problem which manifests as early morning bitching or the odd midnight comment.

Last night he sighed and grunted until I was awoken from my very peaceful thus far slumber.

Upon awakening me he very quietly suggested that the dog was “BULLSHIT”, and he shouldn’t have to put up with those sounds.

I asked him what he’d like me to do about it in the most passive aggressive tone I could muster, to which he replied in an even louder than quiet voice, “rumble rumble  mumble rage shit and hellfire” or words to that effect anyway whereupon he jumped out of bed and chased the dog into the other room.

Upon his return to bed I whispered most aggressively at him about waking the child who was obviously not to be disturbed in the middle of the night by dog chasing maniacs, and what the fuck did he think would happen if she did wake, whereupon he (even more loudly than quiet) hissed at me that he wouldn’t be told by a freakin dog how to sleep in his own house! (?) Okay Fitty….

I was deeply seething at this point and also felt fully awake. I considered it must be almost dawn? At least 5.00am, and decided to get up and have a warm drink. Doing so I discovered it was only 2.00am and was even angrier. Another lost night. Getting back to sleep around dawn only to discover (minutes later) Chloe standing in the bedroom doorway sobbing for me because I wasn’t in bed with her, I pretty much decided to call it a night sleep wise.

Bearing in mind that Fitty is a man who more often than once a month forgets to turn down his phone at bedtime resulting in loud notifications all night long, AND is the person who will go downstairs to shower leaving his phone snooze-alarmed within audible distance of sleeping me AND who snores like a retarded Bulldog, you’d expect him to be a little more humble, yes?

Now obviously Fitty had a little tantrum in the night. When he has trouble sleeping it’s a problem almost on par with Man Flu, (in that the Man’s version is so much more deadly and debilitating that the Woman’s). And ok, yes, Fitty is the one working outside the home right now, but….

Still, I’d like just once for him to take my insomnia seriously and at least entertain the idea that it might bother me somewhat.

Oh and by the way? When we questioned Chloe on what woke her up so early this morning?

“Uncle Fitty was snoring…..”


be a woman