I’m continually questioning my reasons for my ongoing withdrawal from life outside the house. Rather than stopping at weariness and Menopause, I looked deeper for the root cause. I have found the following reason to be the most compelling one to stay home yet.

Every time I do go out, I am surrounded by people who seem to be Assholes?

It’s not just when I go out of the house either. Assholes can sometimes call you on the telephone at home. Unbelievably, your own family members may contract the Asshole Virus from time to time as well.

More about the home-strain of Asshole Virus later. First I want to tell you about the Assholes I meet from time to time in my travels “outside”.

You know when you’re heading to the shops on the highway and the speed limit is 80km’s, and you’re just moseying along, minding your own business when around 300 metres ahead of you an Asshole in a truck decides to pull out onto the highway?

To add insult to injury, the motherfucker slows right down and turns off again 500m’s further down the road?

He’s got the Asshole Virus for sure.

Shopping locally I was astounded and disgusted when I saw a woman emptying Strawberry punnets into each other at the counter. She was putting together the fattest, plumpest, most ripe and attractive Strawberries for herself, and leaving a trail of squashed and loose Strawberries everywhere. Not even bothering to repackage her rejects.

Asshole Virus!

It isn’t that I don’t think Assholes have a place in society either. Politician’s, Medical Receptionist’s and Pet Psychiatrist’s wouldn’t make a penny if that were the case, but there’s a time and place to be an Asshole.

My personal rule is that if you are an Asshole more than 10% of the time, you are a waste of time and can Fuck Off.

This tiny percentage allows that in the following instances it’s ok to be an Asshole.

1. You didn’t sleep all night.

2. You are sick (because an Asshole gave you the flu.)

3. Somebody runs you over.

4. You kick your toe, (that hurts!)

Despite continued vigilance against the Asshole Virus here at home, it remains a threat.

The virus can manifest in many different ways, so it’s vital to try and protect the home on at least a few fronts. One of those I protect vehemently is not letting the kids have Asshole friends over to stay.

The kid who looks down their nose at you, refuses to answer polite questions with more than a shy few syllables, giggles in conspiracy with your child each time you turn your back, and then shrieks and squeals with laughter all night keeping you awake.


The other thing I do to protect the home is make sure that every time a Telemarketer or Scammer calls my home phone, I present the most ludicrous scenario possible. This attempt to stop them from calling is more an attempt to amuse myself, but don’t tell them that okay?

Some get to enjoy Gospel songs, others are instantly engaged in a make believe domestic drama, others I respond to as if my best friend has called and begin filling them in on all the fun I just had at my “Freestyle Flax-Weaving Class”.

So far it hasn’t deterred them. I suspect they have begun to use me as a Training device, but I will continue fighting the good fight so people everywhere can be safe from Telephone Assholes.

Some of the Assholiest of all, have committed heinous Crimes Against Hygiene right under my nose. Because I have a Smart Phone that follows me around the house all day like some kind of stalker, I have from time to time snapped shots to use later as evidence.

There was that time I was packing 7’s room up to paint, and found 5 apples in various stages of decomposition hidden strategically around her room?


That time some Asshole was too freakin special to open up the bin and put the rubbish inside.

When you can’t be bothered with bins at all?

Missed it by…. couldn’t give a fuck….

I would show you the dirty fingerprints on the slice of white bread, but that never happened, it’s just something I live in fear of….

Obviously spending all this time with myself, I have been able to search deeply into my own Asshole.

I have discovered the active virus, though happily I mounted a sufficient immune response in order to maintain my usual defense against Assholes in general and not break anything.

I continue to observe outbreaks of the virus on a regular basis here at home such as when someone loses their phone, or the wi-fi connection drops out. The virus can also make itself even more infectious by being contracted by Wankers.

If you come across a Wanker infected with the Asshole Virus, your best bet is to run fast, or before you know it you’ll be discussing Self-Actualisation and Spatial Awareness with your pets.