You might think that Fitty and I live in such a small town that we can’t have relationships outside of a 4 friend radius, but it’s really not like that… There are over 33 000 people in this area, comparatively few in worldwide terms, but large enough for the circumstances we shared to have an unusual synchronicity.

Fitty’s band played at my wedding to Catshit. I asked Fitty to be in charge of the music for the wedding ceremony as well, (he pressed play as I walked down the beach toward insanity).

We’d all remained friends. We didn’t visit each other any more the way we used to, but we still saw each other at functions and parties. As far as I know, nobody was holding any grudges..

I knew how OM felt because one night (just a few months into her relationship with Fitty), I went out to see a band and returned home with a group of friends to have a little after-party at home. My kid’s were with their father, and it was a fun night. Just a few friends, including OM. (Fitty must have had his kids as he wasn’t with her.)

OM and I for some reason decided that sitting under the table with our drinks to have a quiet chat was a reasonable thing to do, because alcohol.

We spoke about my feelings for Fitty. She asked questions, and I answered them. I asked questions, and she answered them. (We’re so fucking functional sometimes, her and I.) Anyway, I pretty much told her I was in love with her partner, but had kind of “got over it somehow really quickly”. I was being honest with her – this was exactly what had happened. I’d accepted the feelings and the reasons why they were never going to eventuate and then just pushed them aside and got on with life. Such a typical thing for me to do.

Have you ever been haunted by a song? You put some music on one day, some of your old fave’s by Carly Simon. (Some musical tastes you inherited from your older brother’s and sister’s growing up.)

A song starts to play, and although you’ve heard it many times before, all of a sudden it has a meaning that crushes the very centre of your soul?

I have.

(Lol at the pictures LOL! – it’s the lyrics I want you to listen to.)

When this song began to play I listened to the words and knew I had some deeply hidden feelings that I hadn’t paid any attention to. For fuck’s sake, there I was mourning my stupid loss of 5 years to Catshit, and suddenly I’m trying to process the Fitty thing again?

I’d been feeling a little vulnerable in the new house with the boys. I knew Catshit was out there somewhere, (and considering that he’d somehow gotten our last address from the electricity supplier!!), I wondered if we were safe. I’m pretty sure he drove by the house a lot, but apart from the odd nasty phone call and those sightings – he was quiet.

I began to relax.

I’d met some amazing girls at the Golf club working, and we often used to pop into the local pub after a busy Friday night shift to wind down with a drink and a dance. I had every second weekend free of the kids, and was enjoying my social life without Catshit’s constant jealousy and interrogation.

T, Donna and I headed out one night when Fitty’s band were playing. We caught up during a break and hadn’t seen each other for a long time. We hugged. Spoke briefly, and Fitty informed me that he and OM had split. I was really sad for them, but I didn’t dwell on the information. I didn’t really think about it. We’d all seen it coming.

I went home with the girls that night, and didn’t think about Fitty again until I played the song.

You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you how messed up my brain files are? I have boxes and boxes of files that are hidden away and chained together in the dark just waiting for their opportunity to surprise me. Sometimes I have absolutely no idea which box of snakes is going to winch itself onto the conveyor belt of my consciousness and present itself for opening?

When the file hiding all the Fitty inside opened during that song I was in full denial mode. “Yeah so you love him, and you didn’t really want to, but you do. Forget it! No more love.”

But I couldn’t deny the absolute misery I felt when I listened to Carly sing those words!

My internal dialogue was right. At the time the last bloody thing I needed was a relationship.

 Confession: I tried really hard to sleep around when I left Catshit. I even tried to have sex with one of my work mate’s who was a bit of a smooth operator. I thought “why not?” I’d been accused of everything under the sun anyway, may as well be guilty of something? ^^revenge slut^^

It didn’t go as planned and somehow work dude got me confused with a nail he was trying to hammer in. “Hell no! Outta my vag dude, like right now?” (Poor guy had to work with me for months afterwards…)

The other time I spent the evening spilling Bailey’s Irish Cream all over my duvet with a huge Maori man visiting from New Zealand. (Of course I was drunk!) Divorcee’s do some stupid fucking shit when they’re trying to wash that man out of their you know where!

We never even got it on – we laughed and drank and spilled drink and had a chaste kiss at 5am before he walked off into the sunrise…

It had been just six weeks since I had left my marriage, I was going out for the evening with the Golfie girls. We hadn’t planned on going to the local pub, but we ended up there anyway and of course Fitty was there with his band. The girls and I had planned to walk home to my place. Fitty offered us a lift. We invited him in for a drink.

I was being careful, (I was also drinking) and couldn’t help wondering what twist of fate had brought us together again, both single, both drained of any reason to want to love?

We spoke about our break up’s that night. There was a lot we didn’t know about each other. I was telling him about my messed up attempts at being a slut, joking and being honest with him. I said something like, “So all this slutting around and I still haven’t even had a proper root!”

“Please let me make love to you tonight?” Said Fitty like a freaking idiot!

What the hell? What the bloody, stinking, filthy, shitty hell kind of animal are you?

We fell upon each other on the couch, (the girls had long ago passed out), and I led him up the stairs to my bed.

I can’t even begin to describe that night. Every single part of us connected in an entirely different way than I’d ever experienced. We were both a little overwhelmed by the physical power of our connection, and just looked at each other in disbelief.

Fitty left his beanie behind, (a man will do that sort of thing when he’s not sure what’s next.)

Sure enough a few days later he called to organise to come “pick it up”. This was my opportunity to be strong and say so long, and thanks for all the sex. Instead we fell into a tangle yet again.

It took me six months to admit to Fitty that I loved him. He had told me he loved me in the beginning, and his reaction to my words made me laugh.

“OH no! Now it’s gonna get serious…”

He was quite happy to love me and have a casual relationship with me, as long as I was keeping my feelings restrained. After I told him I loved him, shit got real for him. He could be hurt again. He could be left behind again.

fitty and me-1

If you look through the window into our home today, you will see a couple grown comfortable with their love. We’ve been through some turbulent times and come out of them together.

We’ve weathered teenagers and bitter ex’s (FW) who wage an unfair war using their children. We’ve talked our way through some pivotal moments in our relationship, dealing with our insecurities and fears. We’ve grown a new family together which includes all of our children. They’re ours, and we’re damn proud of every one.

We had advantages. There is not a single person alive I respect more than Fitty, and I don’t have to ask him if he feels the same way because he shows me every day. That respect was built on many years of friendship and sharing. Our older kids grew up together as our younger ones do now, and all of them get along so well it actually surprises us.

We’ve done the sickness and the health, the good times and the bad. We’re still here, still in love and still happy!

I hope you believe in happy endings, because I can vouch for them. They’re real if you believe you deserve one.