Journal extracts:  April 2014 –  Sept 2015

05/04/14  I can’t do people anymore… I want to stay at home all day by myself.

18/06/14  I never realised how many tele-marketing calls we get here at home! Must figure out a way to stop calls. Hate answering phone.

20/07/14  3 has phoned home. Not enjoying Queensland much work-wise. Wants to come home.

Engage game of Musical beds – level: Expert.

14/09/14  Have begun to get very creative with telemarketers. It only seems to encourage them, but at this stage I’m enjoying the menace. “I’m Sheena. My baby takes the morning train.. You remember the song? Yep, that was me….  No not really famous, but boy am I well set up. So tell me again what this is about?  My computer may have a virus you say?”

25/11/14  Bank called today re late credit card payment. Told them if they spent half as much time and effort calling me the day my fucking payment was due, (instead of spamming me for the NEXT 24 hours), I may remember to pay bill on time!

01/01/15  Happy New Year. May all the people get along. All the people! Sick of the news… Why are human’s such assholes? Staying at home this year…

22/02/15  I have found You Tube. Initially to find painting tips… but found Incredible New Information! Oh… My…. God!- The world is being taken over by Satan-worshiping Reptile Aliens, the Pope sacrifices and eats babies deep under the Vatican and have you seen the video where Obama’s security guard turns into a lizard??

This is obviously why I stay home. The world is evil..

what-if-the-aliens-guy-isnt-crazy

08/02/15  Start using “because hermit” as a reason not to go places. Think it’s legit excuse. Seems to work.

12/03/15  Painting the house has become a much better excuse to stay at home. I can say I have paint in my hair!

13/04/15  I have spent 3 days making fondant genitalia for a Sex Toy Party I’m hosting on Saturday. (This is not the kind of behaviour I would expect of a hermit type?)

18/04/15  Held all-night party. Had fantastic time, everybody got totally wasted. Hot water system blew up at sunrise – spewing geyser of boiling water into air.  Must be a sign. Hermit Gods are angry with me for social life.

03/06/15  Have fallen off step ladder again. Possessed evil cursed fucking thing! Pretty certain I have at least 2 broken ribs. Been on painkillers for days… Breathing like Darth Vader and talking like Yoda.

“A cuppa bring me will you? With tea in it it has”, because off-my-face on drugs.

17/07/15  My transformation to hermit is nearly complete. Went to start the car today – flat battery from not being driven.

12/08/15  Went to see Amy Schumer’s “Trainwreck” by myself! Sat in back and watched two elderly ladies walk out during opening cunnilingus scene. Spent most of movie watching audience after that. Amy Schumer has a weird following of bald middle aged men and transgender teenagers…

22/08/15  3 is still living with us! All his friends are currently living at their family home’s as well.

This is a fucking conspiracy! I will get to the bottom of this Gen Y resistance movement!

27/08/15  Getting very close to finishing the living room, maybe a couple of hours work and I’m done!

This is an excellent time to down tools and not feel like painting at all for several weeks.

29/08/15  Running out of supplies, (thank goodness the kids aren’t here this week.) A couple of beans on a piece of toast every day probably wouldn’t cut it for them. I think Fitty has been sneaking in supplies…

I WILL go grocery shopping. Soon.

01/09/15  It is 3’s Birthday tomorrow, Father’s day and Fitty’s birthday the day after, and 6 will turn 18 towards the end of the month, followed by our 10 year Anniversary.

This process of celebrating the same day year after year, enslaving us to market forces, continuously beating the drum and forcing me out of  the house to indulge in frivolous gift buying! I give them a thousand hours hard labor every single year.

“Happy Birthday son, here is your clean washing…”

06/09/15  Happy Birthday’s and Fathers Day! Big family together! Love! All the happiness… Maybe I’m not a hermit after all?

4pm – Finally the house is back to normal, all the kids have gone home, but the few with beds here. The dishes are done. All is quiet and seats are available on the lounge again!

“It’s Monday tomorrow..” repeating like a mantra in my head… Peace… Solitude… Time to just be me.

07/09/15  Fitty’s Birthday! Shittest day. Forgot in morning. Didn’t even bake. Defrosted freezer cake for beloved..

09/09/15  Disabling phone. No need to answer phone is there? Really?

Cannot disable phone without disabling internet. Damn. Need internet to keep updated on Alien arrival date via Planet Nibiru! (I just want to walk up to an alien and say “Allen Allen Allen Allen Allen Allen. No… It’s Steve!” because internet Gopher.)

*”Nigel No Friends” and “Neville No Mates” are two uniquely Aussie phrases that sum up the position you might find yourself in if you have few or no close friends.

While I am far from being Nigel’d I do indulge myself in fantasies in which I am the only living person on this planet. I figure that would make for a pretty interesting Alien encounter, don’t you?

“What…. so it’s just you and this pet monkey then?”

I am also having a little bit of fun with the You Tube references. (I don’t really believe the Queen is a reptile, or that the world is essentially an evil place.)

I am pretty sure however, that Tony Abbot is a lizard.

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