I talk a lot about procrastination, but there is an exception to my need to prolong tasks, and that is when I get a creatively-crafty idea that humours me.

Inexplicable desires to create explode in my brain, causing me to cease all other activity and research said idea. If things are looking good at budget/wise.com I’m gone quicker than you can say “what the fuck are you up to now..?”

I have had so many unfavorable flashes of fantasy! Like that time I spent a whole day stuffing pantyhose with newspaper so I could go to a fancy dress party as a spider. I even sewed all the eyes on a headband and wandered blindly around all night with 8 arms wildly waving and a headband over one eye.

Fitty knows.. He puts up with a lot. He can leave a perfectly ordinary house one morning and arrive home to a fondant fountain of fuckery.

See my blog, "Have a Sex Toy Party they said" for more details..

See my blog, “Have a Sex Toy Party they said” for more details..

He may glow with pride as he takes in this charming scene of his grandchildren creating seasonal sensations with Nanny M.

He may innocently be sitting at the office and receive the following text:


I think this could be my most popular idea yet… I know the kids will be on board, just not sure about the Pooh dog, or the hoards (at least 5), of people who run, walk, ride or drive past our house..

I can’t help being just a little bit evil. My very first victims will prolly be that gang of cyclist’s who terrorise the quiet morning’s with their upbeat banter. I can see it now…

“…and then I bench pressed 250, went for a hundred kilometre sprint and washed it all down with a protein sha… what was that noise?”

*From behind the tree at the bottom of our drive..”…C C R AAAARRK……GRR RR  OOWWL..” (this will be the sound activated recording that plays)

Then BOOM, out swings a perfectly horrific paper mache Zombie Scarecrow!

*Takes bow.

Fitty will try and tell me how this is a bad idea. Fitty will not be successful because 6 will lawyer for me. (He is so darn good at lawyering, it makes me wonder about the Pizza shop job? Why waste a god-given talent being a professional, when you could be Doughboy?)

Anyway, I think we all know this is gonna happen. You know I’ll be in touch when it does…