I’m a Quitter!

Despite the humorous note of my last post, these past few weeks have definitely been a bit sad. Poor old Magoo has lost her husband of nearly 30 years. My Step-father.

He died of cancer. Pretty much every type by the end. I’m not going to dwell on the end of his life, but more on the changes it has brought about.

Of course he was a smoker – and lung cancer is one of the worst ways to die (according to his nurse). Watching both him and my own father die from smoking related cancer, which then spread rapidly throughout their bodies, has made me once again aware of my own mortality.

I am a smoker.

I guess I always will be, whether I actually indulge in the habit or not. Fitty and I have given up the habit no less than 6 times already, with varying lengths of success. The first time was the best for us, with both of us staying off the fags for 11 months!

That time I became a gym junkie, and my bestie T and I were enrolled in all kinds of classes. We were up at 6am to go to boxing classes, would have 2 personal training sessions a week, both bought bikes and would meet up for rides, runs and long walks. However, she remained a smoker. Countless times I resisted the urge when I was around her, and it was easy for the first 6 months or so.

Then one day I decided I could probably light a cigarette for her… the rest is history.

Each time I have given up I am determined to never make that same mistake again, and each time it inevitably happens that I am somewhere, (usually but not always with T), and I decide I can Just. Have. ONE.

The reality is that once you make that first mistake, it becomes almost impossible not to make it again and again. Before you know it you have somehow justified buying another pack of cigarettes.

So, today Fitty and I are going smoke-free again. Already feeling very positive, as it’s not the stopping that I have trouble with, but the starting up again. We are armed with our patches, (literally) and are both talking the charged-up, renewed energy and time, talk of the freshly given-up smoker.

If past events are anything to go by, Fitty will be driving us all crazy in just a few weeks. He can’t handle the patches for very long at all due to sensitivities in his skin, and so becomes cranky first, followed swiftly by manic.

By manic I mean very fast. Talks fast. Walks fast. Does everything at top speed. Will not relax. Barks out his sentences, and is bewildered when we tell him he is a weirdo.

Whatever it takes. Right people?

I have stupidly organised a lunch date with the girls from my last job, all of whom are smokers! Should be a quick lunch I expect. I’m not overly worried about it as I am pretty good at sticking to my guns while on the patches. It’s the months after I struggle with!

I’m really looking forward to a few good side effects though, as I am so sick of being outside in the cold smoking. Maybe my feet will finally warm up? Maybe the windows will finally get cleaned? I’ve been putting off a lot of big jobs around the house and I’m sure this renewed burst of energy will result in quite a bit of activity.

I’m also looking forward to not being “that girl”, who has to leave the room/building to have a cigarette. It is such a socially awkward thing to leave a movie theatre and rush out the front door to light a fag!! Trying to fit a cigarette in between loading the shopping into the car, and driving home with the kids. Racing out the door for a fag while having lunch/dinner with friends and family who don’t smoke. My sister is visiting from W.A. and I am particularly motivated not to waste precious time with her and Magoo, whilst I’m outside smoking.

They will judge and nag, because they care about me and my health. I really don’t want to be “that girl” anymore.

I am expecting things will go a lot more smoothly this time as T is taking steps to give up smoking very soon as well. My other smoking friends I can handle, but T and I have such a close bond, and spend so much time together that it will really help our success rate if we do this together.

At my Step-father’s funeral Fitty and I were the only smokers. It really hit home when I looked around at all my Aunties and Uncles and realised that if I don’t change my ways, they’ll probably be at my funeral too!

The Situation.

I have just returned from Sydney after a very frustrating couple of days.

I did undergo a surgery, but it wasn’t the one I was hoping for. My Surgeon has explained to me that I am still too inflamed and unwell for the procedure to be successful. Although I’m upset that this thing will drag on, I am pleased that my surgeon is sensible and making good decisions for me. There’s no point undergoing a painful procedure with little chance of success. So he tells me I’ll have to wait another 6 weeks, at which time he’ll decide whether I’m “fit” for surgery again.

In the meantime,  Fitty and I had to rearrange our travel and accommodation plans, thankfully the motel will refund the nights Fitty didn’t use the room. My work weren’t expecting me back for 6 – 8 weeks, and here I am probably fit for work again in a week or so.

When I first woke up, there were tears. I had a good cry and was then able to see the truth of the situation. Fitty’s face was priceless when I told him what had happened, he was quite obnoxiously put out by the whole thing, but he too could see it was for the best. We both just had to adjust to the new situation, we were both expecting and had prepared so meticulously for a very different outcome.

It’s unbelievably frustrating news, but I guess looking on the bright side, I will be 6 weeks healthier for the surgery? We’ll be able to complete a couple more renovation projects before I go back to surgery. The fireplace will definitely be in, we will be picking up the hearth tiles Monday, and the fire should be here by the end of the week. I can’t wait for this toasty warm addition to our home. We used to have to just about sit on the open fire to keep warm as most of the heat would go up the chimney. However we will now have to go and get a “proper” tree to decorate for Christmas…. No more tarting up the old copper fire place.

The Christmas Chimney lives no more….

Fitty and I are hoping to finalise plans for our new kitchen in the next week or so and get that happening as well. So many things to choose…. I will be spending lots of time at the tile shop scratching my head I think? I used to think I knew what I wanted, but a simple trip into the tile shop has my head swimming with new ideas. Too many choices, I’d probably be better closing my eyes and spinning around til I stop, and pick the one I’m pointing at. Hey now there’s an idea!!

I want to take some time to say thank you again to my very special blogging friends. You have no idea how much your support and your continuing kind messages have helped me. I know you will be frustrated with and for me, and I thank you for that as well. I’ve decided that whatever happens next is going to happen whether I’m happy or sad about it, so I’ve chosen a positive attitude. I’m pretty sure it will all work out fine for me in the long run. Now I’m off for a nice hot pain relieving bath, and a good early night.

Time Out.

I’ve called a time- out. Woke up so many times through the night, I feel like a cuckoo clock chiming the hour, “ohhh” instead of “cuckoo”! I have been trying to have a 5-7 day break when one course of antibiotics runs out, just to give my body a chance to catch up with itself a little. I could be doing more harm than good I suppose, and considering the amount of research I have done into diet and other issues recently, I really should have done some research on having a break before just making that decision.

The infection got out of control this time during my break period and I’m suffering a little now waiting for it to respond to the medication once more. Usually takes about a week to start feeling a lot better. Also I don’t think my dietary slip on the weekend is helping much. I have been woken by stomach cramps and some different, odd pains, every night this week.

Oh well, what can you do? My theory generally is, “If you can walk, you can work!” Today, that’s not working so well for me. I called in sick. I have taken twice the usual amount of pain killers today and am still pushing it uphill to keep on top of the pain. I can’t actually live in the bath, but it helps to soothe and relax me, making the pain a little easier to deal with. So off to the bath I will go.

I’ll have a time out day, and see if a bit of rest and relaxation, perhaps a gentle walk with Pooh the dog later on, (and some cuddles with her), will help me get over the hump.

Heard from my surgeon that the big guru smart guy surgeon in Sydney will see me next Thursday, so Fitty and I are beginning to make plans as to how we will make the journey. We’ll probably be able to stop in at 4’s for the night on the way, which will be lovely, and also will break up the trip a bit for us. Traveling is not much fun for me at the moment. We’ll also stop in Sydney for a night and make our way home again Friday. Lucky for my work, this will all happen on my rostered days off. I hate taking time off and literally have to be forced into calling in sick by Fitty. He thinks I’m a bit of a workaholic? He thinks I should take more time to look after myself and forget about work. Work thinks the same way as Fitty, so I guess I’m just feeling guilty for no reason at all?

We also have the big Wedding coming up and need to make sure everybody is organized for that. I don’t know how we’re going to pull it all off, actually, if I don’t start feeling better soon, it’s going to be a bit hard. I’m dreadfully scared that the Guru will want to do the surgery the week before the Wedding or something like that. That it will be the only time he can do it, and I’ll have no choice but to do it then.

I have learned that whatever will be will be in life, and there’s really no point fighting against it. As long as I am present at the Wedding I guess that’s all that matters. And if I’m off my face on pain killers, should make for some funny stories later at least?

Swearing is NOT Ok?

Unless you have just heard from the Surgeon that not only do you have a complex situation going on in your body that is causing you endless amounts of pain, (not to mention costing $’s in drugs!!), and you’ve become a non-smoking- vegetarian in order to try and beat it, which you know is working, but obviously not well enough, and you’re going to have to have further surgeries, (how many? not sure?), but you probably don’t want to think about that right now, and your friends and family don’t get visits from you anymore because by the time you’ve shopped, cooked, packed lunches, washed clothes, done housework and worked you don’t have a single scrap of energy left, and you find out you have to travel 600k’s away to have the surgery (and hope that works), so you can have another surgery that only has a 50% chance of working……well then you can swear.

You can do it all the way home in your car. You can swear while the tears pour down your face, you can ring Magoo and swear (a little) at her, and you’ll get away with it too, as she is a sympathetic old soul. You can swear at your partner while you tell him your “great news”, and you can swear at your life for being so damned inconvenient sometimes. You can make plans to call your best friend, (later, when you know  you’re not going to cry and totes wreck her day), and swear back and forth with her for a while, and you can swear at your sister-blood-blister when you pick up the phone and tell her.

But you can’t swear at your Doctor’s dumb receptionist, as the other bright spark is dealing with you today, and lucky for dumb Receptionist #1 too! (She was on the phone wrecking some other poor fools life!). You can’t swear at the Surgeon either, because he’s the one with all the shiny scalpels! You can’t swear at your dog, as she doesn’t understand and thinks it’s great what you’re saying, (wag wag slobber lick!) You can’t swear at your car either, it just sits there looking guilty…

There are a whole range of people you can’t swear at, your kids, your boss, your patrons, your police officer? Ok dammit there must be someone I haven’t sworn at yet?

What’s left to do? Resign yourself to your faith! Buck up and stand tall, you don’t have cancer, you’re not going to lose your children, husband, life! What’s to whine about? You can’t console yourself with chocolate, too much coffee or nasty biscuits. You can’t go on a drinking, smoking or gambling spree,  all those things will just make you sicker. So all you have left is your filthy mouth. Enjoy.

Stop the Rubbish!

Healthy Dinner

It’s a very quiet house I have woken up to today. Fitty has returned to work, 7 has gone to a friends house for the day and 6 has gone to the local skate park to hang out with friends. That leaves lil old 8 and me at home to enjoy the peace and quiet.

I still haven’t gotten used to this new medication I’m on, seems to make me want to sleep half the day away, which is really annoying! I miss my bird songs in the morning, and watching the sun come up. Will just have to start going to bed earlier I guess, hopefully not to wake at 3am again.

I think I may finally be getting re-wired in my brain to stop reaching for the old convenience foods, and reaching for something healthy instead. It would appear by the lack of fruit in our bowl that the kids have too. This is so good to see. 8 is a little on the chubby side, and I have been encouraging him to make better food choices for a long time. It was a lot harder when we kept a range of processed food in the house. Fitty and I decided that when they got through the current lot of crap, we would begin to replace it with smarter choices. It will be a lot easier when they return to school, we will just pack their lunches, and if they don’t want to starve, they’ll eat them!

Currently 6 stands in front of the fridge staring at all the fruit and vegetables, looking for something that won’t take any effort to make, and 7 and 8 are just as bad. They seem to still be searching for the easy food. I think this is many parent’s problem as well. Kids aren’t really into food preparation. Sometimes 7 and 8 get excited and help their father or myself cook, but not very often. Kids have become used to reaching for a wrapper, ripping it open and getting that instant satisfaction. Most fridges and pantries are full of these kinds of foods, biscuits, puddings, yoghurt –  you name it, it’s probably full of sugar and fat and has little or no nutritional value. It’s much better to reach for a piece of fruit, although you must provide a good selection, make sure some of your fruits are lower in sugar than things like grapes and watermelon. Apples, pears, peaches and oranges are all good choices.

I believe I have never eaten better in my life. I eat only things that I know haven’t been processed or added to in any way chemically. This means spending a little more money, but I really have some good motivation in terms of my recovery and health issues. If I want to continue getting infections and being unhealthy, then I can always return to my old diet.

This eating plan originally started out as a desperate measure to stop my body from getting terrible infections and ending up requiring hospital stays and surgery. It is now about so much more than that. Fitty and I have discovered through research and talking to people in the know, that most of what our children eat is not even digestible for them, full of chemicals and food that is not really food? This made us really stop and think. We are much more comfortable now, knowing what the kids are eating, preparing good healthy meals for them from scratch, and allowing them to “forage” a bit for their snacks.

Stand Down Soldier!

Prawning on the Lake.

I am surrounded by miserable people. Here I am still dealing with pain and discomfort, on a daily basis, doing the best I can to be positive and happy. 6, 7 and 8 are dying of technological deprivation, and have keyboard envy, and Fitty well….

Fitty is unable to use nicotine patches as they irritate his skin quite badly. He thinks he is doing great without them, but in truth, I have lost my beautiful man, to a grouchy, touchy, monster. I have to be very careful how I say things to him at the moment, or I get my head bitten off. Most of the time he’s ok, but when he goes on a rant, we all bolt for cover. I have taken each of the kids aside and explained the situation to them. I told them what’s going on and not to take things personally, but I’m finding hard to take my own advice! The kids are fine, they just roll their eyes and deal with it. I am tempted to give him a good kick in the you know where. I urged him to buy nicotine gum, so he did, but he hasn’t had a single piece! Typical Fitty.  He has done this every time we have given up, ditches the patches and thinks he’s fine. One time 4 even begged us to start smoking again, as she couldn’t stand the stress of living with a patchless Fitty. I am beginning to realize just how she felt!

I have been calm and relaxed, haven’t had any cigarette cravings, and am just concentrating on finding interesting ways to eat foliage! My frustrations and cravings are all about food, watching the kids eat corn chips, or noodles!!  How I crave a big fat packet of potato chips. I sit and munch on my spinach, broccoli and carrots, wishing they were salty chips. Fitty has been very supportive on the food side of things, encouraging me to try different things and always keen to cook for me, but if he slides into a downer from the cravings, this becomes a little like an “I do everything around here”, speech. It’s so hard to see him struggling like this, but at the same time I’m getting more and more over it!

We’ve been down this road before, and I figure I’ve got about 2 weeks of this to endure. In the meantime I have the comfort of knowing that he returns to work on Monday, and will be storming through the door each day at 5pm looking for someone to engage in battle! I know we will get through this, I know that in around 2 or  3 weeks I will have my beautiful, supportive, loving man back. While I’m waiting for him, I will concentrate on my own well-being, and do my best to make sure I keep from getting pulled into the drama. It’s hard, but knowing it’s not him, but the addiction, causing all the trouble helps.

On a much more positive note, Fitty has turned a lot of his energy into a manic dynamo of a man who is getting things done around the house in record time! The kids are doing more things that don’t involve sitting around a screen, and there has been talk of an abseiling adventure soon. So exciting. I will have to give that one a miss as the harness will cause untold agony, but I can’t wait to watch the kids pick up this amazing skill.

Fitty and 7 went out prawning on the lake last night, and came back with a kilo of prawns. Fitty took a heap of photos of the 200 or so people on the lake taking advantage of this bounteous year.

It’s not all bad around here, things are getting done, I’m getting used to my new diet, and even had a little chicken last night, as I have been advised to increase my protein intake. The kids are slowly learning there’s more to life than the internet, and every now and then I get my Fitty back. Life wasn’t meant to be easy…..

http://stevegordonimages.com/

Starving the Bugs.

If you’ve been reading lately you’ll understand that I have a bit of a problem with my health. I have a condition that is going to take super-human strength to overcome, but overcome it I will. I’m prepared to do anything, ANYTHING to put an end to this endless cycle of pain and infection. Fortunately I am not alone, and have lots of “internet buddies” who have been dealing with this condition for years to advise and help me.

The most important step is to eliminate those “man made” foods that my body hasn’t a hope of digesting. Processed foods such as bread, chips, sugar, cereals, soup mixes, basically anything that isn’t just natural grown food, is out. With the exception of grains, they are a no no for me for a few reasons, but mainly because they feed the wrong gut bacteria, causing it to run amok. Starchy foods like rice and potatoes, are also out. Unfortunately because of the severity of my case, (3 infections in 6 weeks), I have eliminated all but fresh fruit and vegies for the time being. I may also eat eggs and cheese. Thank goodness as sometimes I just feel like something a little bit more solid to eat. I cannot eat crackers or any other kind of processed yumminess.

I found this diet on line just before Christmas, poor me sat there watching everybody else pigging out on all the food Fitty and I had prepared, and there I was munching on lettuce, tomato, and cheese. I did allow myself a tiny piece of ham that day, and 3 days later was back in the E.R. with another infection!

Fitty loves a good band-wagon to throw himself on, and has begun to make the expected noises. “We should all be eating this diet”, “the kids would benefit so much, we all would”, “this is the way we are supposed to be eating!” I agree completely, however I know it will be a struggle to get the kids off the chemicals they seem to be addicted to in their super-processed food. Some of the ingredients are just numbers. This has got to have parents concerned?

He marched around the supermarket with me, wholeheartedly supportive, and bought almost half their produce! Our fridge looks pretty healthy right now.

I am finding it hard to feel full, as I am so used to over eating the wrong foods, (that just sit in the gut causing trouble). I find it helps to have a little snack every couple of hours, a handful of grapes, a slice of cheese, an avocado mashed with lemon juice, a couple of slices of tomato. It’s hard getting used to not eating bread, just eating these foods on their own. I have also lost a lot of weight. I was probably carrying an extra few kilo’s anyway, and have found that my weight is slowly stabilizing. As much as it feels good to have the old skinny clothes on, it is alarming to find yourself losing a kilo a day! I am hoping that as the pain lessens over the weeks ahead, (please god), that my body will start to cope a lot better with the illness, and stop being so silly.

Meanwhile Fitty has been in the kitchen, pulling out all the appliances we never used, getting them ready for operation. He made me a lovely mango smoothie for breakfast yesterday morning, using only a couple of really ripe mangoes and ice. It was amazing! You really can enjoy foods in simple form, once you wrap your head around the fact that your old habits were so bad for your body.

Fresh Air?

Fitty and Me

I wasn’t going to mention the whole giving up smoking debacle here, as I didn’t want to be judged, but it would be untruthful of me to leave out this major part of the change our lives are about to undertake.

Fitty and I are smokers! I know, and you thought we were smart?

We aren’t stupid, we are addicted. There’s a slight difference I think..

2013 is the year of going smoke-free, I’ll wait for you all to stop applauding……Thanks. Fitty and I had our last cigarette on New Years Eve 2012. We have been talking about it for years and have already made several attempts. This time I have an added incentive. Smoking could be the one thing that is preventing me from healing properly from my operation.

It is really important to us that we take this step together and support each other. We decided the old New Year’s resolution would work well for us. The younger kids are all with the ex’s, and this leaves Fitty and I alone to concentrate on our goal.

It was unusual for us to not be together for our “last” cigarette, but as it was N.Y. eve, Fitty had gone to take firework photo’s and I was home with my sore bum still recovering.. We discussed that any cigarettes we had left at the end of the night would be destroyed by Fitty when he got home. I left about 5 cigarettes and my lighter on the table knowing that they would “disappear” sometime before morning… Well that was almost a disaster.

My morning routine of late has been to get up, make coffee, get jumped on and slobbered all over by Pooh, head out onto the balcony, appreciate the beautiful, stunning place I live,  then light up. So I knew it would be important for me not to see any cigarettes, lighters or any kind of reminder that would trigger the first craving, before I had a chance to Patch myself. (Nico-bate nicotine patches are really good).

I woke at about 5.30am, and stuck my hand out sideways to check that Fitty had made it home the night before. Upon hearing the sleepy yelp from him I thought “ok, it’s safe to get up”.

There’s my cigarettes and lighter sitting on the table where I left them!!!

The disappointment, then the craving, then the rage. I stormed into the kitchen with them, filled the packet with water from the sink, ripped them to shreds, and stalked down the hall saying thing like “unbelievable! I ask you to do one thing! I may as well just keep smoking for all the support I get from you!”

This was obviously nicotine talking, and within a few moments where I imagined stuffing wet cigarettes into Fitty’s mouth while he slept managed to calm myself somewhat, I sprang into action and went looking for his packet. I destroyed them in much the same way, (but perhaps with a little more passion.)

The anger turned itself into a good thing in no time, it completely focused me. I got rid of every cigarette butt I could see in the yard, flying around in my slippers like a demon. Pooh watched with her head tilted to the side as she often does when she’s not quite sure what’s going on. I reassured her that it wasn’t her fault I was cranky.

Fitty was so sorry. He had arrived home fairly late and was tired. He’d forgotten. I forgave him. Actually by the time he got up around 8.30 I was completely calm and in control of the situation. We sailed through our first day, completely happy.

It feels so good to be able to take a deep breath and not get the urge to cough. The benefits of not smoking are instantaneous. Right away I start to feel better, healthier and have loads more energy. Just having made the decision, and stuck to it makes me feel proud and strong.

Sure Fitty and I had about 10 stupid little arguments throughout the day, but they made us smile afterward. They are part of the process, and we are well aware that these petty annoyances and spiking mood swings are all part of the transition between being addicted, to being smoke-free and healthy.