For my birthday this year, (instead of Fitty buying me some appliance that will not fit in my kitchen), I asked him to take me to Canberra to visit the new IKEA store – because IKEA!!

He agreed, and then sat around pulling faces every time I mentioned the trip. So I did the only thing I knew would prompt him. I shamed him on Facebook.

The very next afternoon we took the 2.5 hour drive to Canberra in the rain, to stay overnight with the Fitty sister – Janet, and her hubby Steve, (who are almost as silly as us!)

I was tired the next morning, but excited to visit IKEA, (but not as excited as Fitty who had the car packed and was standing in door of the car shouting “C’mon!!”) while I was still drinking my first coffee…

So we arrived at IKEA around 8.45am, which was great… but IKEA doesn’t open until 10am!

Desperate to distract myself with another shiny thing – so I didn’t die from disappointment at having to wait over an hour – I spotted a huge building full of shiny things called “Costco”.

Umm NOPE. Doesn’t open until 10 either…

We decided to go grab a coffee and wait it out at the mall next door, buuuut – they didn’t open until 9.00am!

“Fucking hell Fitty! You rushed me through my sacred-waking-coffee so we could stalk closed shops??”

Anyways – after the damn shop opened – we had a coffee and arrived back at IKEA with the intention of touching everything in the store.

  • I was busting for a pee but couldn’t see a sign for the toilet even though it was right in front of me. I used my never fail method of following a pregnant lady (because those women go to the bathroom every 15mins!)
  • Fitty slashed his leg open on the furniture trolley because it is not a skateboard, not even if you do fully sic 360’s and slide sideways on it.
  • Touching everything that opens, shuts, slides, and spins is fine – until you are halfway through your lunch and realise you haven’t washed your hands and you’re prolly gonna die because 1 million other hands are eating your lunch with you. Fuck.

After loading the car with flat packs and things that, (were awesome but unnecessary), we headed innocently toward Costco.

Call me a fool, but I’m Australian, and round here we don’t hafta pay money just to walk into a shop. I’d only ever heard of Costco in books and movies, so we didn’t know –

From the Costco FAQ:

Can I come and have a look before I sign up? “Costco is a membership warehouse club and you will need a membership to visit and shop at Costco.”

As we walked through the entrance of the store I noticed a tall youth staring at his reflection in the glass, inside the store. He was putting on a camouflage balaclava! Again, call me a fool, but generally peeps don’t need to wear full face coverage when shopping so I immediately jumped to this conclusion:

“Fitty! Shit – look at that guy! He’s putting on a disguise! He’s gonna spray us with bullets and kill us all. OMG, look at him!!”

Fitty casually looks over while I pull out my phone and snap a picture of the guy. You know, just in case the Police need one after the disaster. I’m ready to run..


Said dude notices me taking his pic and acting all weird, shakes his head and continues donning his murderous disguise.

We did not notice other people, (like every single entry), flashing their Costco memberships to the security guard before being allowed into the store. I was way too busy fearing for my life! I approached the security guard and spoke urgently to him.

“There’s a dude putting on a balaclava around the corner!!”

…Okay – so he’s just a trolley boy tryna protect his face from sunburn! (And I’m an alarmist-fuck-panic-attack in the making.)

Fitty is laughing at me. The security guard is laughing at me – so I walk off into the store

Security guard is obs too busy laughing at me to ask for a membership card.

We found an item we’d priced at home $200 cheaper in Costco! Amazed at this saving, we decided to explore all the aisles. We found an apple pie bigger than my ass. An impressive cut of meat called a “Tomahawk Steak”, (the size of a plate) – loads of bargains – which would probably save us a fortune, particularly when catering for our large family.

We bought the big save item, but only after a dry run at the registers’ where sales staff were horrified that we’d been in the store for over 2 hours without a membership and marched us promptly to the front door where it was put to us that we could either:

“Join up, or get out!”

Lawd – you’d think we’d donned balaclava’s and gunned down the shoppers?