Archives for posts with tag: shopping

For my birthday this year, (instead of Fitty buying me some appliance that will not fit in my kitchen), I asked him to take me to Canberra to visit the new IKEA store – because IKEA!!

He agreed, and then sat around pulling faces every time I mentioned the trip. So I did the only thing I knew would prompt him. I shamed him on Facebook.

The very next afternoon we took the 2.5 hour drive to Canberra in the rain, to stay overnight with the Fitty sister – Janet, and her hubby Steve, (who are almost as silly as us!)

I was tired the next morning, but excited to visit IKEA, (but not as excited as Fitty who had the car packed and was standing in door of the car shouting “C’mon!!”) while I was still drinking my first coffee…

So we arrived at IKEA around 8.45am, which was great… but IKEA doesn’t open until 10am!

Desperate to distract myself with another shiny thing – so I didn’t die from disappointment at having to wait over an hour – I spotted a huge building full of shiny things called “Costco”.

Umm NOPE. Doesn’t open until 10 either…

We decided to go grab a coffee and wait it out at the mall next door, buuuut – they didn’t open until 9.00am!

“Fucking hell Fitty! You rushed me through my sacred-waking-coffee so we could stalk closed shops??”

Anyways – after the damn shop opened – we had a coffee and arrived back at IKEA with the intention of touching everything in the store.

  • I was busting for a pee but couldn’t see a sign for the toilet even though it was right in front of me. I used my never fail method of following a pregnant lady (because those women go to the bathroom every 15mins!)
  • Fitty slashed his leg open on the furniture trolley because it is not a skateboard, not even if you do fully sic 360’s and slide sideways on it.
  • Touching everything that opens, shuts, slides, and spins is fine – until you are halfway through your lunch and realise you haven’t washed your hands and you’re prolly gonna die because 1 million other hands are eating your lunch with you. Fuck.

After loading the car with flat packs and things that, (were awesome but unnecessary), we headed innocently toward Costco.

Call me a fool, but I’m Australian, and round here we don’t hafta pay money just to walk into a shop. I’d only ever heard of Costco in books and movies, so we didn’t know –

From the Costco FAQ:

Can I come and have a look before I sign up? “Costco is a membership warehouse club and you will need a membership to visit and shop at Costco.”

As we walked through the entrance of the store I noticed a tall youth staring at his reflection in the glass, inside the store. He was putting on a camouflage balaclava! Again, call me a fool, but generally peeps don’t need to wear full face coverage when shopping so I immediately jumped to this conclusion:

“Fitty! Shit – look at that guy! He’s putting on a disguise! He’s gonna spray us with bullets and kill us all. OMG, look at him!!”

Fitty casually looks over while I pull out my phone and snap a picture of the guy. You know, just in case the Police need one after the disaster. I’m ready to run..


Said dude notices me taking his pic and acting all weird, shakes his head and continues donning his murderous disguise.

We did not notice other people, (like every single entry), flashing their Costco memberships to the security guard before being allowed into the store. I was way too busy fearing for my life! I approached the security guard and spoke urgently to him.

“There’s a dude putting on a balaclava around the corner!!”

…Okay – so he’s just a trolley boy tryna protect his face from sunburn! (And I’m an alarmist-fuck-panic-attack in the making.)

Fitty is laughing at me. The security guard is laughing at me – so I walk off into the store

Security guard is obs too busy laughing at me to ask for a membership card.

We found an item we’d priced at home $200 cheaper in Costco! Amazed at this saving, we decided to explore all the aisles. We found an apple pie bigger than my ass. An impressive cut of meat called a “Tomahawk Steak”, (the size of a plate) – loads of bargains – which would probably save us a fortune, particularly when catering for our large family.

We bought the big save item, but only after a dry run at the registers’ where sales staff were horrified that we’d been in the store for over 2 hours without a membership and marched us promptly to the front door where it was put to us that we could either:

“Join up, or get out!”

Lawd – you’d think we’d donned balaclava’s and gunned down the shoppers?


Journal extracts:  April 2014 –  Sept 2015

05/04/14  I can’t do people anymore… I want to stay at home all day by myself.

18/06/14  I never realised how many tele-marketing calls we get here at home! Must figure out a way to stop calls. Hate answering phone.

20/07/14  3 has phoned home. Not enjoying Queensland much work-wise. Wants to come home.

Engage game of Musical beds – level: Expert.

14/09/14  Have begun to get very creative with telemarketers. It only seems to encourage them, but at this stage I’m enjoying the menace. “I’m Sheena. My baby takes the morning train.. You remember the song? Yep, that was me….  No not really famous, but boy am I well set up. So tell me again what this is about?  My computer may have a virus you say?”

25/11/14  Bank called today re late credit card payment. Told them if they spent half as much time and effort calling me the day my fucking payment was due, (instead of spamming me for the NEXT 24 hours), I may remember to pay bill on time!

01/01/15  Happy New Year. May all the people get along. All the people! Sick of the news… Why are human’s such assholes? Staying at home this year…

22/02/15  I have found You Tube. Initially to find painting tips… but found Incredible New Information! Oh… My…. God!- The world is being taken over by Satan-worshiping Reptile Aliens, the Pope sacrifices and eats babies deep under the Vatican and have you seen the video where Obama’s security guard turns into a lizard??

This is obviously why I stay home. The world is evil..


08/02/15  Start using “because hermit” as a reason not to go places. Think it’s legit excuse. Seems to work.

12/03/15  Painting the house has become a much better excuse to stay at home. I can say I have paint in my hair!

13/04/15  I have spent 3 days making fondant genitalia for a Sex Toy Party I’m hosting on Saturday. (This is not the kind of behaviour I would expect of a hermit type?)

18/04/15  Held all-night party. Had fantastic time, everybody got totally wasted. Hot water system blew up at sunrise – spewing geyser of boiling water into air.  Must be a sign. Hermit Gods are angry with me for social life.

03/06/15  Have fallen off step ladder again. Possessed evil cursed fucking thing! Pretty certain I have at least 2 broken ribs. Been on painkillers for days… Breathing like Darth Vader and talking like Yoda.

“A cuppa bring me will you? With tea in it it has”, because off-my-face on drugs.

17/07/15  My transformation to hermit is nearly complete. Went to start the car today – flat battery from not being driven.

12/08/15  Went to see Amy Schumer’s “Trainwreck” by myself! Sat in back and watched two elderly ladies walk out during opening cunnilingus scene. Spent most of movie watching audience after that. Amy Schumer has a weird following of bald middle aged men and transgender teenagers…

22/08/15  3 is still living with us! All his friends are currently living at their family home’s as well.

This is a fucking conspiracy! I will get to the bottom of this Gen Y resistance movement!

27/08/15  Getting very close to finishing the living room, maybe a couple of hours work and I’m done!

This is an excellent time to down tools and not feel like painting at all for several weeks.

29/08/15  Running out of supplies, (thank goodness the kids aren’t here this week.) A couple of beans on a piece of toast every day probably wouldn’t cut it for them. I think Fitty has been sneaking in supplies…

I WILL go grocery shopping. Soon.

01/09/15  It is 3’s Birthday tomorrow, Father’s day and Fitty’s birthday the day after, and 6 will turn 18 towards the end of the month, followed by our 10 year Anniversary.

This process of celebrating the same day year after year, enslaving us to market forces, continuously beating the drum and forcing me out of  the house to indulge in frivolous gift buying! I give them a thousand hours hard labor every single year.

“Happy Birthday son, here is your clean washing…”

06/09/15  Happy Birthday’s and Fathers Day! Big family together! Love! All the happiness… Maybe I’m not a hermit after all?

4pm – Finally the house is back to normal, all the kids have gone home, but the few with beds here. The dishes are done. All is quiet and seats are available on the lounge again!

“It’s Monday tomorrow..” repeating like a mantra in my head… Peace… Solitude… Time to just be me.

07/09/15  Fitty’s Birthday! Shittest day. Forgot in morning. Didn’t even bake. Defrosted freezer cake for beloved..

09/09/15  Disabling phone. No need to answer phone is there? Really?

Cannot disable phone without disabling internet. Damn. Need internet to keep updated on Alien arrival date via Planet Nibiru! (I just want to walk up to an alien and say “Allen Allen Allen Allen Allen Allen. No… It’s Steve!” because internet Gopher.)

*”Nigel No Friends” and “Neville No Mates” are two uniquely Aussie phrases that sum up the position you might find yourself in if you have few or no close friends.

While I am far from being Nigel’d I do indulge myself in fantasies in which I am the only living person on this planet. I figure that would make for a pretty interesting Alien encounter, don’t you?

“What…. so it’s just you and this pet monkey then?”

I am also having a little bit of fun with the You Tube references. (I don’t really believe the Queen is a reptile, or that the world is essentially an evil place.)

I am pretty sure however, that Tony Abbot is a lizard.

I’m a woman of many words. Ask anyone who has ever driven in the car with me. Short trip. Long trip. Any trip. It’s always the same, yatter, yatter, yatter! So it’s no wonder my wonderful man has learned to filter.

He has a new habit, (new in the scheme of 25 years of knowing him), and this new habit is to say. “Uhuh, mmmh, yep, yep, yep, mmmh, yep, mmm, mmmmhuh, yep, mmmm”, whenever I am talking to him.

He used to be silent when I was speaking. Now I get the above noises. I can only take this to mean, “your voice is getting so irritating that the only way I can stand here and listen is for myself to be making small noises as well, thereby giving me something to do while I stand here wasting time listening to you!”

I get it. I honestly do. I’m working on trying to limit the endless yatter, filter myself so to speak. I just can’t seem to sit still through silent moments. I think those are the times I am meant to fill with endless jibberish about my day, my thoughts and my feelings. Any man will tell you that more than a few lines about your feelings are enough for a week, let alone every day.

So I’m all of a sudden aware. Sure it’s not the first time I’ve thought about change. It’s just that I’m getting older, and I’m starting to have, “gee I wish I hadn’t said that!” moments. More and more I feel that it would be better to sit back and let others talk. I know how I feel. I should be able to internalize that and be comfortable just knowing. Do I have to be that honest person who has to say what is on her mind? No holds barred, and brutally frank?

Probably not. I would like to be different. I’d like for Fitty to speak up more. And NOT about the star systems, or molecules in water, or atomic science. Just normal every day stuff. Like how work went today? The projects he is working on. How he feels about what the kids are up to, etc. I expect this may be wishing for something that isn’t going to happen, but I’ll never know if I don’t shut up and try, huh?

You see, I thought I was an effective communicator. I thought that saying things over and over in different ways, meant that no one would ever be confused about what you meant or what you were saying. I think I may have been wrong about that.

Yesterday I went looking for a new microwave, seeing as I blew our old one up.

Of course me and my big mouth. “Good, I won’t miss it. Bloody big waste of space. I never use it. Well hardly ever anyway.”

And I really didn’t think I did. I mostly use the stove and steamer pans for our food and vegies, and I couldn’t really see me missing the thing. Fitty and the kids seem to use it more than I do, but he quickly agreed with me and we both enjoyed the extra bench space in our small kitchen.

Cut to four days later, and the kids are wanting to heat milk for their weetbix in the morning. 7 days later and I’ve hurt my neck cleaning for dear T when she moved house. I need to heat my wheat bag?? 10 days later, we all agree. We need a new microwave!

So off I went. One big box of microwave, a great special I might add, and I’m off to look around. A new coffee plunger for work, yes, that look like a bargain. Won’t those lovely red bowls look good with the white ones Fitty bought last week? Yep, into the trolley. Then I saw it. A big shiny box of cutlery. All brand new and matching! And a bargain price. I searched around. That one looks better, we already have nice steak knives, so they are redundant in that set. Yep. That one. I nearly had it in the trolley. But I’d burned my budget with the red bowls and new tea towels already.

I left without the cutlery and went and spent the rest of my pay at the supermarket. When I got home Fitty rang to see how I went with buying a microwave. I told him I’d done very well thank you and then some! I told him that I had very nearly bought us a new cutlery set and wasn’t he proud that I hadn’t splurged and had walked away from it? Oh but it was so nice and shiny, and we really need a new one, so maybe I can buy it next week….

Oh yes I know my consumer man…. “Oh yeah, should I go and look at it?” Fitty loves to spend his hard earned. He would argue that he doesn’t, but he gets just as sucked in by shiny new stuff as I do. We literally have to be careful when we shop together. We can really burn some cash. He once said to me, “would you like me to buy you these kitchen scales?”

“Ummm, I don’t really need kitchen scales Fitty!”

“Yes you do, and they’re cheap. Let’s get em.” So far they haven ‘t been out of the box. But we got em…. Just in case..

Any way. The point is I wish I hadn’t said I don’t need a microwave. Over-communtication. Right there. I could have kept that to myself until I had done my research. That’s the person I want to be now. The one who sits back and listens. The one who does her research before she opens her mouth. I wonder if I could get my jaw wired?